J2 RPS Fic: Promise
Dec. 21st, 2008 08:00 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
switch842Posting before I lose the nerve to do so....
Title: Promise
Summary: Jared promises to make Jensen understand. (sequel to Noticed)
Word Count: 3341
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Not mine. Not real. Please don't sue. I have no money anyway.
A/N: Written in present tense cos that's how the muse wanted it done. Plus, it seemed appropriate for the "now" feeling of it. And this is for all y'all that wanted more of these boys. A few months back, I swore my fanfic muse had gone off and died a slow and painful death, but it seems she just needed some new pretty boys to play with. :-D So, thank you for all the lovely feedback and I hope you enjoy this one as much.
Please leave any feedback/comments at my fic journal.
Promise
Jensen looks up from where he’s sitting at the table, sipping his coffee and making his way through his bowl of Corn Flakes, the business section of the newspaper open in front of him. Jared comes into the kitchen, eyes barely open, dressed in a pair of faded blue gym shorts and a ratty old t-shirt with the sleeves cut off and heads straight for the coffee maker. Jensen is waiting for the moment when Jared notices he’s sitting there. Wondering if he would remember last night at all. Part of Jensen hopes he doesn’t.
A few moments later Jared joins him at the table, sipping his coffee and nibbling on the toast he made. He grabs the sports section of the newspaper to flip through and just sits right down like nothing’s happened. Maybe nothing has.
They sit in silence and Jensen is totally fine with not talking at all today. In fact, if they never talk again it would be too soon. Jensen knows that isn’t really realistic, but is dreading the inevitable conversation he knows they’ll have.
“Man,” Jared says. “Did you see what San Antonio is planning for the rest of this season? Bunch of morons I tell you.”
Jensen grunts back non-comittally. He hasn’t read the sports section yet so has no idea what the Spurs are planning, but doesn’t really care.
“Did I,” Jared begins and then pauses to clear the gravel from his throat. “Did I kiss you last night?” he asks not looking up from the paper.
“You tried to,” Jensen hesitates.
“Huh,” is all Jared replies. He drinks the last sip of coffee before taking the mug to the kitchen to put into the dishwasher.
Jensen watches as Jared heads down the hall to the garage without another word and is a bit startled when he hears music coming from the gym set up in there. Jensen is confused. He wants to follow Jared and push and scream and yell “That’s all you have to fucking say? ‘Huh’?” But he doesn’t. Can’t. Not yet, anyway. This has to be Jared’s move. In the end, though, he decides that a little work out could do him some good. He was planning on going in there this morning anyway and won’t let Jared deter him from his plans. Everything’s fine, right?
Jensen walks into the gym and heads straight for the treadmill. He passes Jared at the bench press, lifting more weight then Jensen could ever hope to. Stupid man and his stupid muscles. He sets the treadmill up how he likes it and starts running. He tries really, really hard not to think about the symbolism of that.
The two work out silently for the better part of an hour; Jensen occasionally sings along to some of the songs that pop up on the mix Jared has going. By some silent agreement, they both finish at the same time and start to leave to go clean up. Jensen is grabbing the towel he had left by the free weights when he hears Jared call out to him from the other side of the room.
“Hang on a sec,” Jared says closing in on Jensen’s position.
Jensen turns and faces Jared head on, unsure of what’s coming. What he doesn’t expect is Jared to grab him by the shoulders and just lay one on him.
“Whoa, whoa,” Jensen says pushing Jared back.
“What?” Jared asks. “Last night you said if I still wanted to do this sober that you would listen. Well, I’m sober and I still want to do this.”
“Jared,” Jensen says calmly. “Don’t do this, please. You’re not gay, don’t have a gay bone in your body and this will just fuck everything up.” Jensen sighs and scrubs a hand over his face. He really, really needs Jared to not do this.
“Well, yeah, I’m not exactly gay. So what?”
“So what? Jared, this isn’t the kind of thing that just happens overnight. You don’t go from straight, engaged, two kids and a white picket fence to flaming homo in one day.”
“Who says it happened in one day? Like I said, I’ve been noticing things. Besides, do you think I’d have been jerking off to thoughts of you for the last 7 months if I was as straight as you think I am?”
“You what?” Jensen exclaims. No no no. He can’t deal with thoughts of Jared jerking off about him. That’s not how it works. “Jay, man, you can’t mean this. It’s just some weird identity crisis you’re going through after dumping Sandy. Which, yeah, that happened awhile ago, so it’s a little delayed. But you don’t really mean this.”
“Why not? How can you say you know what I mean? Are you in my head? Besides the oddly erotic thoughts I’ve been having about you, that is,” Jared says stupid, sexy smirk on his face.
“Stop it. Just, stop it. You are not gay. You are the least gay man I know. This,” he says gesturing between the two of them, “is not going to work. We’ll start trying something and you’ll freak out and hate me and the show will be ruined and Kripke will can both our asses and replace us with cheap imitations.”
Jared just laughs. “Jen, man, you have a wild imagination. Us getting together is going to cause the end of the show? Hell, half the crew thinks we’re doing it already. And, so yeah, I’m not exactly ‘gay’, but can’t I maybe just be gay for you?”
“Gay for me?” Jensen replies. “That’s really, really not how it works, dude.”
“Says who?”
“Says me!” Jensen explodes. He’s tired of Jared’s interminable perkiness and optimism. He needs to know the world isn’t all rainbows and sunshine. Though sometimes Jensen thinks Jared could make that happen.
“Well, too bad. ‘Cause it’s true.”
“God, would you give it up already. You can’t be gay for me.”
“Why not? Really, give me one good reason why not,” Jared prods.
“Because I’m not that special!” Jensen lets loose. And, holy fuck, where did that come from? He needs to get out of here. Now.
“Jensen,” Jared calls.
Jensen is almost out the door when Jared grabs him and slams him up against the wall. Jensen can’t look at Jared. Won’t look at him.
“Who says you’re not that special?” Jared asks softly. “Because from where I’m standing, you’re the most amazing man I’ve ever known. And anyone who doesn’t see that is a fucking idiot.”
Jensen closes his eyes and tries not to think back on it. Hates thinking about that time in his life. When he was still young and stupid and believed in happily ever after. He was such an idiot back then.
“Jen,” Jared urges quietly and Jensen can’t help but look up at him now. “Tell me.”
“Nobody,” he says. “Just some guy, back during Dark Angel.” And Jensen can’t believe he’s letting this out, but it seems like his mouth won’t cooperate with his brain and the words are tumbling out before he can stop them. “He was like you. Totally straight, always had been, always would be. Then decided he wasn’t because of me. So, we got together. And it was great. For about 6 months. Then he completely flipped out on me, out of nowhere. Telling me I had infected him, that I had made him do all this stuff he would never do and that I was sick and needed help. So, I know how this ends, Jared. And I can’t lose you. Not like that.”
They stand there silently for a few minutes, Jared’s hands still resting on Jensen’s shoulders and rubbing softly. Jensen can’t look at Jared anymore. He knows Jared will see everything and he can’t let that happen. He looks down, trying to get his mask back in place when he feels Jared’s hand on his chin. He forcibly looks up and sees Jared looking at him with a soft smile on his face.
“I’m not him,” is all Jared says before leaning in to kiss Jensen again.
Finally, Jensen can’t take anymore and starts kissing back. It’s everything Jensen has always wanted and never believed he could actually have.
“You believe me now?” Jared asks as they eventually pull back.
“I don’t know,” Jensen says honestly.
“Don’t worry. I’ll make sure you do.”
And Jensen believes him.
~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~
When Jared wakes up, his head is filled with cotton and his mouth feels like he slept with a dirty sock in it. Never again, is all he thinks. He looks over and sees the water and aspirin on his bedside table and the whole evening comes crashing back in on him. He kissed Jensen. Oh, god. He kissed Jensen. Fuck. And Jensen had said no. Jensen had stopped him cold. Well, Jared wouldn’t let that happen. He would just have to make Jensen understand.
He gets up, bracing himself to keep from falling over and puts on some raggedy gym clothes. He’ll have some coffee, maybe some toast and then work out for a bit. That always helps his hangovers. He stumbles into the kitchen, vision still blurry, and just recognizes that Jensen is sitting at the table, having his Corn Flakes and reading through the morning paper. Not yet, Jared thinks. Coffee first. He fixes a mug and pops a couple slices of bread in the toaster. He’ll feel better after getting some food in his stomach. He takes his dry toast over to the table and sits next to Jensen, as he does every morning. Nothing out of the ordinary happened at all. Everything is perfectly fine. They still haven’t said a word to each other since Jared came into the kitchen, but that’s okay. The silence isn’t that horrible. They’ve spent many mornings like this.
Jared reaches over and grabs the sports section from the pile on the table and begins flipping through it. He’s not really reading it right now; his head is still too foggy to do anything more than a casual perusal. He makes some comment about the dumbass Spurs because the trades they’re planning really are just idiotic. Good luck to them the rest of the season. Eventually, Jared realizes he is going to have to say something, if only to get it out that he remembers what happened and that he’s okay with it. He starts to speak, but finds his throat still a little muddy from last night so he starts over.
“Did I kiss you last night?” he asks not looking up from the paper.
“You tried to,” he hears Jensen reply.
Well, that’s an interesting way to put it. “Huh,” he replies. Not sure what else to say at that point, he cleans his dishes from breakfast and makes his way to the gym to try and work off some of the remaining fog in his head.
He puts his favorite work out mix into the stereo and nods happily as the thumping beat works its way through the garage. He gets going with the bench press, adding a few extra pounds to push himself a little more. He needs to figure out what he’s going to do and fast. They need to resolve whatever might be between them before they have to go back to work tomorrow.
First, Jared needs to figure out if he really, truly wants this, wants Jensen. He thinks back to things his mama used to tell him about love and how he would know it. How did he feel when that person walked into the room? When that person left the room? How did it feel to imagine that person not in his life anymore? He was contemplating all these things when Jensen walks in and heads for the treadmill. Business as usual, Jared thinks. That’s good.
So, how did Jared feel when Jensen walked into the room? Well, first that required him to think of a time when they didn’t show up to the same event together. They usually went everywhere together. One of the dangers of living together, he supposes. But, wait. There was that party a few months back that Kim had held for one of the PAs birthday’s. Jensen had been stuck late filming one last pick-up with the second crew, so Jared had gone ahead. The party had been decent enough, held at one of the nicer restaurants in Vancouver and Jared had been having an okay time. Talking with people he might not normally hang out with, but something seemed to be missing. It was nagging at him just under the surface. Then Jensen arrived and he felt…complete was the only word he could put to it. For the rest of the night, they could not be separated. Really, Jared is surprised he hadn’t clued in earlier.
Okay, so, it was good when Jensen came in the room. It should stand to reason, then, that it was bad when he left. Jared thinks of all the times he’s been somewhere and Jensen leaves before him. He never stays much longer when that happens. It’s like…if Jensen’s not there then Jared doesn’t really care what’s going on. He could be surrounded by all his other really good friends, but no Jensen? He might as well be alone. And trying to picture his life without Jensen? Terrifying. Really, honestly terrifying. Jared didn’t want to think about that at all.
This all leads Jared to only one possible conclusion – he loves Jensen. And as he thinks it, he realizes he does. Absolutely, completely is in love with Jensen. Now, he has no idea what that actually means with Jensen being another guy, but he figures they can work it all out.
By this time, they’ve both finished working out and are about to leave to get clean and ready for the day, but Jared needs to get this done now.
“Hey, Jen,” he calls out. “Hang on a sec.” His long legs only take him a few steps to cross over to where Jensen is standing by the door. As he crosses, he thinks of all the things he wants to say, all the things he should say, but his brain just stops working on him with Jensen standing so close and being able to smell his sweat and musk and Jared does the only thing he can think of – he kisses Jensen. Again. One of these days he will get his brain cooperating with him.
“Whoa, whoa,” Jensen says pushing Jared back.
“What?” Jared asks. “Last night you said if I still wanted to do this sober that you would listen. Well, I’m sober and I still want to do this.”
“Jared,” Jensen sighs. “Don’t do this, please. You’re not gay, don’t have a gay bone in your body and this will just fuck everything up.”
Jared watches as Jensen sighs and wipes some of the sweat from his face, not really getting what the big deal is. “Well, yeah, I’m not exactly gay. So what?”
“So what? Jared, this isn’t the kind of thing that just happens overnight. You don’t go from straight, engaged, two kids and a white picket fence to flaming homo in one day.”
“Who says it happened in one day?” Jared asks. Because, while it may seem like it, Jared realizes he’s been moving towards this ever since Jensen moved in with him. “Like I said, I’ve been noticing things. Besides, do you think I’d have been jerking off to thoughts of you for the last 7 months if I was as straight as you think I am?” And holy shit, Jared can’t believe he just actually admitted that to Jensen’s face.
“You what? Jay, man, you can’t mean this. It’s just some weird identity crisis you’re going through after dumping Sandy. Which, yeah, that happened awhile ago, so it’s a little delayed. But you don’t really mean this.”
“Why not? How can you say you know what I mean? Are you in my head? Besides the oddly erotic thoughts I’ve been having about you, that is,” Jared says tongue firmly in cheek. If he’s jumping in, he’s going in with both feet.
“Stop it. Just, stop it. You are not gay. You are the least gay man I know. This,” he says gesturing between the two of them, “is not going to work. We’ll start trying something and you’ll freak out and hate me and the show will be ruined and Kripke will can both our asses and replace us with cheap imitations.”
Jared just laughs. It’s amazing how ridiculous Jensen’s mind can be sometimes. “Jen, man, you have a wild imagination. Us getting together is going to cause the end of the show? Hell, half the crew thinks we’re doing it already. And, so yeah, I’m not exactly ‘gay’ but can’t I maybe just be gay for you?” Yeah. Gay for Jensen. That could work.
“Gay for me?” Jensen replies. “That’s really, really not how it works, dude.”
“Says who?”
“Says me!” Jensen explodes.
“Well, too bad. ‘Cause it’s true,” Jared replies, grinning widely. He’ll get Jensen to understand. He doesn’t understand why Jensen’s not on board with this already. Since, you know, he’s already in love with Jared and everything.
“God, would you give it up already. You can’t be gay for me,” Jensen says looking away.
“Why not? Really, give me one good reason why not,” Jared prods.
“Because I’m not that special!” Jensen lets loose.
…the fuck? Not that special? Where the hell did that come from. Jared shakes his head clear from that shock and sees Jensen about to reach the door and leave him there. Oh, hell no. That is not happening.
“Jensen,” Jared calls. He reaches Jensen just as he’s about to step out into the hall, but Jared uses his considerable strength to pull Jensen back in and push him up against the wall. He holds him there with a hand on each shoulder, trying to get Jensen to look at him.
“Who says you’re not that special?” Jared asks softly. “Because from where I’m standing, you’re the most amazing man I’ve ever known. And anyone who doesn’t see that is a fucking idiot.” But Jensen won’t look at him. Just fidgets like he’s trying to get away. And now Jared understands. Someone, somewhere, really fucked with Jensen’s head. And, man, if he ever finds out who that was, well, let’s just say Jared better never find out. “Jen,” Jared urges quietly and Jensen finally meets his eyes. “Tell me.”
“Nobody,” he says. “Just some guy, back during Dark Angel. He was like you. Totally straight, always had been, always would be. Then decided he wasn’t because of me. So, we got together. And it was great. For about 6 months. Then he completely flipped out on me, out of nowhere. Telling me I had infected him, that I had made him do all this stuff he would never do and that I was sick and needed help. So, I know how this ends, Jared. And I can’t lose you. Not like that.”
They stand there silently for a few minutes. Jared is subconsciously rubbing Jensen’s shoulders trying to relieve some of the tension that’s built up. Jared needs a moment to calm himself down, too. He’s raging inside and he doesn’t need Jensen to see that.
When Jared finally gets himself back under control, he puts one hand on Jensen’s chin and tilts his head up so they’re eye to eye. Jared looks at him with a soft smile on his face.
“I’m not him,” is all Jared says before leaning in to kiss Jensen again. And finally, FINALLY, Jensen kisses him back. It’s wonderful and glorious and all that other clichéd crap they say it is.
“You believe me now?” Jared asks as they eventually pull back.
“I don’t know,” Jensen says honestly.
“Don’t worry. I’ll make sure you do,” Jared promises.
And Jared always keeps his promises.
THE END
Title: Promise
Summary: Jared promises to make Jensen understand. (sequel to Noticed)
Word Count: 3341
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Not mine. Not real. Please don't sue. I have no money anyway.
A/N: Written in present tense cos that's how the muse wanted it done. Plus, it seemed appropriate for the "now" feeling of it. And this is for all y'all that wanted more of these boys. A few months back, I swore my fanfic muse had gone off and died a slow and painful death, but it seems she just needed some new pretty boys to play with. :-D So, thank you for all the lovely feedback and I hope you enjoy this one as much.
Please leave any feedback/comments at my fic journal.
Promise
Jensen looks up from where he’s sitting at the table, sipping his coffee and making his way through his bowl of Corn Flakes, the business section of the newspaper open in front of him. Jared comes into the kitchen, eyes barely open, dressed in a pair of faded blue gym shorts and a ratty old t-shirt with the sleeves cut off and heads straight for the coffee maker. Jensen is waiting for the moment when Jared notices he’s sitting there. Wondering if he would remember last night at all. Part of Jensen hopes he doesn’t.
A few moments later Jared joins him at the table, sipping his coffee and nibbling on the toast he made. He grabs the sports section of the newspaper to flip through and just sits right down like nothing’s happened. Maybe nothing has.
They sit in silence and Jensen is totally fine with not talking at all today. In fact, if they never talk again it would be too soon. Jensen knows that isn’t really realistic, but is dreading the inevitable conversation he knows they’ll have.
“Man,” Jared says. “Did you see what San Antonio is planning for the rest of this season? Bunch of morons I tell you.”
Jensen grunts back non-comittally. He hasn’t read the sports section yet so has no idea what the Spurs are planning, but doesn’t really care.
“Did I,” Jared begins and then pauses to clear the gravel from his throat. “Did I kiss you last night?” he asks not looking up from the paper.
“You tried to,” Jensen hesitates.
“Huh,” is all Jared replies. He drinks the last sip of coffee before taking the mug to the kitchen to put into the dishwasher.
Jensen watches as Jared heads down the hall to the garage without another word and is a bit startled when he hears music coming from the gym set up in there. Jensen is confused. He wants to follow Jared and push and scream and yell “That’s all you have to fucking say? ‘Huh’?” But he doesn’t. Can’t. Not yet, anyway. This has to be Jared’s move. In the end, though, he decides that a little work out could do him some good. He was planning on going in there this morning anyway and won’t let Jared deter him from his plans. Everything’s fine, right?
Jensen walks into the gym and heads straight for the treadmill. He passes Jared at the bench press, lifting more weight then Jensen could ever hope to. Stupid man and his stupid muscles. He sets the treadmill up how he likes it and starts running. He tries really, really hard not to think about the symbolism of that.
The two work out silently for the better part of an hour; Jensen occasionally sings along to some of the songs that pop up on the mix Jared has going. By some silent agreement, they both finish at the same time and start to leave to go clean up. Jensen is grabbing the towel he had left by the free weights when he hears Jared call out to him from the other side of the room.
“Hang on a sec,” Jared says closing in on Jensen’s position.
Jensen turns and faces Jared head on, unsure of what’s coming. What he doesn’t expect is Jared to grab him by the shoulders and just lay one on him.
“Whoa, whoa,” Jensen says pushing Jared back.
“What?” Jared asks. “Last night you said if I still wanted to do this sober that you would listen. Well, I’m sober and I still want to do this.”
“Jared,” Jensen says calmly. “Don’t do this, please. You’re not gay, don’t have a gay bone in your body and this will just fuck everything up.” Jensen sighs and scrubs a hand over his face. He really, really needs Jared to not do this.
“Well, yeah, I’m not exactly gay. So what?”
“So what? Jared, this isn’t the kind of thing that just happens overnight. You don’t go from straight, engaged, two kids and a white picket fence to flaming homo in one day.”
“Who says it happened in one day? Like I said, I’ve been noticing things. Besides, do you think I’d have been jerking off to thoughts of you for the last 7 months if I was as straight as you think I am?”
“You what?” Jensen exclaims. No no no. He can’t deal with thoughts of Jared jerking off about him. That’s not how it works. “Jay, man, you can’t mean this. It’s just some weird identity crisis you’re going through after dumping Sandy. Which, yeah, that happened awhile ago, so it’s a little delayed. But you don’t really mean this.”
“Why not? How can you say you know what I mean? Are you in my head? Besides the oddly erotic thoughts I’ve been having about you, that is,” Jared says stupid, sexy smirk on his face.
“Stop it. Just, stop it. You are not gay. You are the least gay man I know. This,” he says gesturing between the two of them, “is not going to work. We’ll start trying something and you’ll freak out and hate me and the show will be ruined and Kripke will can both our asses and replace us with cheap imitations.”
Jared just laughs. “Jen, man, you have a wild imagination. Us getting together is going to cause the end of the show? Hell, half the crew thinks we’re doing it already. And, so yeah, I’m not exactly ‘gay’, but can’t I maybe just be gay for you?”
“Gay for me?” Jensen replies. “That’s really, really not how it works, dude.”
“Says who?”
“Says me!” Jensen explodes. He’s tired of Jared’s interminable perkiness and optimism. He needs to know the world isn’t all rainbows and sunshine. Though sometimes Jensen thinks Jared could make that happen.
“Well, too bad. ‘Cause it’s true.”
“God, would you give it up already. You can’t be gay for me.”
“Why not? Really, give me one good reason why not,” Jared prods.
“Because I’m not that special!” Jensen lets loose. And, holy fuck, where did that come from? He needs to get out of here. Now.
“Jensen,” Jared calls.
Jensen is almost out the door when Jared grabs him and slams him up against the wall. Jensen can’t look at Jared. Won’t look at him.
“Who says you’re not that special?” Jared asks softly. “Because from where I’m standing, you’re the most amazing man I’ve ever known. And anyone who doesn’t see that is a fucking idiot.”
Jensen closes his eyes and tries not to think back on it. Hates thinking about that time in his life. When he was still young and stupid and believed in happily ever after. He was such an idiot back then.
“Jen,” Jared urges quietly and Jensen can’t help but look up at him now. “Tell me.”
“Nobody,” he says. “Just some guy, back during Dark Angel.” And Jensen can’t believe he’s letting this out, but it seems like his mouth won’t cooperate with his brain and the words are tumbling out before he can stop them. “He was like you. Totally straight, always had been, always would be. Then decided he wasn’t because of me. So, we got together. And it was great. For about 6 months. Then he completely flipped out on me, out of nowhere. Telling me I had infected him, that I had made him do all this stuff he would never do and that I was sick and needed help. So, I know how this ends, Jared. And I can’t lose you. Not like that.”
They stand there silently for a few minutes, Jared’s hands still resting on Jensen’s shoulders and rubbing softly. Jensen can’t look at Jared anymore. He knows Jared will see everything and he can’t let that happen. He looks down, trying to get his mask back in place when he feels Jared’s hand on his chin. He forcibly looks up and sees Jared looking at him with a soft smile on his face.
“I’m not him,” is all Jared says before leaning in to kiss Jensen again.
Finally, Jensen can’t take anymore and starts kissing back. It’s everything Jensen has always wanted and never believed he could actually have.
“You believe me now?” Jared asks as they eventually pull back.
“I don’t know,” Jensen says honestly.
“Don’t worry. I’ll make sure you do.”
And Jensen believes him.
~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~
When Jared wakes up, his head is filled with cotton and his mouth feels like he slept with a dirty sock in it. Never again, is all he thinks. He looks over and sees the water and aspirin on his bedside table and the whole evening comes crashing back in on him. He kissed Jensen. Oh, god. He kissed Jensen. Fuck. And Jensen had said no. Jensen had stopped him cold. Well, Jared wouldn’t let that happen. He would just have to make Jensen understand.
He gets up, bracing himself to keep from falling over and puts on some raggedy gym clothes. He’ll have some coffee, maybe some toast and then work out for a bit. That always helps his hangovers. He stumbles into the kitchen, vision still blurry, and just recognizes that Jensen is sitting at the table, having his Corn Flakes and reading through the morning paper. Not yet, Jared thinks. Coffee first. He fixes a mug and pops a couple slices of bread in the toaster. He’ll feel better after getting some food in his stomach. He takes his dry toast over to the table and sits next to Jensen, as he does every morning. Nothing out of the ordinary happened at all. Everything is perfectly fine. They still haven’t said a word to each other since Jared came into the kitchen, but that’s okay. The silence isn’t that horrible. They’ve spent many mornings like this.
Jared reaches over and grabs the sports section from the pile on the table and begins flipping through it. He’s not really reading it right now; his head is still too foggy to do anything more than a casual perusal. He makes some comment about the dumbass Spurs because the trades they’re planning really are just idiotic. Good luck to them the rest of the season. Eventually, Jared realizes he is going to have to say something, if only to get it out that he remembers what happened and that he’s okay with it. He starts to speak, but finds his throat still a little muddy from last night so he starts over.
“Did I kiss you last night?” he asks not looking up from the paper.
“You tried to,” he hears Jensen reply.
Well, that’s an interesting way to put it. “Huh,” he replies. Not sure what else to say at that point, he cleans his dishes from breakfast and makes his way to the gym to try and work off some of the remaining fog in his head.
He puts his favorite work out mix into the stereo and nods happily as the thumping beat works its way through the garage. He gets going with the bench press, adding a few extra pounds to push himself a little more. He needs to figure out what he’s going to do and fast. They need to resolve whatever might be between them before they have to go back to work tomorrow.
First, Jared needs to figure out if he really, truly wants this, wants Jensen. He thinks back to things his mama used to tell him about love and how he would know it. How did he feel when that person walked into the room? When that person left the room? How did it feel to imagine that person not in his life anymore? He was contemplating all these things when Jensen walks in and heads for the treadmill. Business as usual, Jared thinks. That’s good.
So, how did Jared feel when Jensen walked into the room? Well, first that required him to think of a time when they didn’t show up to the same event together. They usually went everywhere together. One of the dangers of living together, he supposes. But, wait. There was that party a few months back that Kim had held for one of the PAs birthday’s. Jensen had been stuck late filming one last pick-up with the second crew, so Jared had gone ahead. The party had been decent enough, held at one of the nicer restaurants in Vancouver and Jared had been having an okay time. Talking with people he might not normally hang out with, but something seemed to be missing. It was nagging at him just under the surface. Then Jensen arrived and he felt…complete was the only word he could put to it. For the rest of the night, they could not be separated. Really, Jared is surprised he hadn’t clued in earlier.
Okay, so, it was good when Jensen came in the room. It should stand to reason, then, that it was bad when he left. Jared thinks of all the times he’s been somewhere and Jensen leaves before him. He never stays much longer when that happens. It’s like…if Jensen’s not there then Jared doesn’t really care what’s going on. He could be surrounded by all his other really good friends, but no Jensen? He might as well be alone. And trying to picture his life without Jensen? Terrifying. Really, honestly terrifying. Jared didn’t want to think about that at all.
This all leads Jared to only one possible conclusion – he loves Jensen. And as he thinks it, he realizes he does. Absolutely, completely is in love with Jensen. Now, he has no idea what that actually means with Jensen being another guy, but he figures they can work it all out.
By this time, they’ve both finished working out and are about to leave to get clean and ready for the day, but Jared needs to get this done now.
“Hey, Jen,” he calls out. “Hang on a sec.” His long legs only take him a few steps to cross over to where Jensen is standing by the door. As he crosses, he thinks of all the things he wants to say, all the things he should say, but his brain just stops working on him with Jensen standing so close and being able to smell his sweat and musk and Jared does the only thing he can think of – he kisses Jensen. Again. One of these days he will get his brain cooperating with him.
“Whoa, whoa,” Jensen says pushing Jared back.
“What?” Jared asks. “Last night you said if I still wanted to do this sober that you would listen. Well, I’m sober and I still want to do this.”
“Jared,” Jensen sighs. “Don’t do this, please. You’re not gay, don’t have a gay bone in your body and this will just fuck everything up.”
Jared watches as Jensen sighs and wipes some of the sweat from his face, not really getting what the big deal is. “Well, yeah, I’m not exactly gay. So what?”
“So what? Jared, this isn’t the kind of thing that just happens overnight. You don’t go from straight, engaged, two kids and a white picket fence to flaming homo in one day.”
“Who says it happened in one day?” Jared asks. Because, while it may seem like it, Jared realizes he’s been moving towards this ever since Jensen moved in with him. “Like I said, I’ve been noticing things. Besides, do you think I’d have been jerking off to thoughts of you for the last 7 months if I was as straight as you think I am?” And holy shit, Jared can’t believe he just actually admitted that to Jensen’s face.
“You what? Jay, man, you can’t mean this. It’s just some weird identity crisis you’re going through after dumping Sandy. Which, yeah, that happened awhile ago, so it’s a little delayed. But you don’t really mean this.”
“Why not? How can you say you know what I mean? Are you in my head? Besides the oddly erotic thoughts I’ve been having about you, that is,” Jared says tongue firmly in cheek. If he’s jumping in, he’s going in with both feet.
“Stop it. Just, stop it. You are not gay. You are the least gay man I know. This,” he says gesturing between the two of them, “is not going to work. We’ll start trying something and you’ll freak out and hate me and the show will be ruined and Kripke will can both our asses and replace us with cheap imitations.”
Jared just laughs. It’s amazing how ridiculous Jensen’s mind can be sometimes. “Jen, man, you have a wild imagination. Us getting together is going to cause the end of the show? Hell, half the crew thinks we’re doing it already. And, so yeah, I’m not exactly ‘gay’ but can’t I maybe just be gay for you?” Yeah. Gay for Jensen. That could work.
“Gay for me?” Jensen replies. “That’s really, really not how it works, dude.”
“Says who?”
“Says me!” Jensen explodes.
“Well, too bad. ‘Cause it’s true,” Jared replies, grinning widely. He’ll get Jensen to understand. He doesn’t understand why Jensen’s not on board with this already. Since, you know, he’s already in love with Jared and everything.
“God, would you give it up already. You can’t be gay for me,” Jensen says looking away.
“Why not? Really, give me one good reason why not,” Jared prods.
“Because I’m not that special!” Jensen lets loose.
…the fuck? Not that special? Where the hell did that come from. Jared shakes his head clear from that shock and sees Jensen about to reach the door and leave him there. Oh, hell no. That is not happening.
“Jensen,” Jared calls. He reaches Jensen just as he’s about to step out into the hall, but Jared uses his considerable strength to pull Jensen back in and push him up against the wall. He holds him there with a hand on each shoulder, trying to get Jensen to look at him.
“Who says you’re not that special?” Jared asks softly. “Because from where I’m standing, you’re the most amazing man I’ve ever known. And anyone who doesn’t see that is a fucking idiot.” But Jensen won’t look at him. Just fidgets like he’s trying to get away. And now Jared understands. Someone, somewhere, really fucked with Jensen’s head. And, man, if he ever finds out who that was, well, let’s just say Jared better never find out. “Jen,” Jared urges quietly and Jensen finally meets his eyes. “Tell me.”
“Nobody,” he says. “Just some guy, back during Dark Angel. He was like you. Totally straight, always had been, always would be. Then decided he wasn’t because of me. So, we got together. And it was great. For about 6 months. Then he completely flipped out on me, out of nowhere. Telling me I had infected him, that I had made him do all this stuff he would never do and that I was sick and needed help. So, I know how this ends, Jared. And I can’t lose you. Not like that.”
They stand there silently for a few minutes. Jared is subconsciously rubbing Jensen’s shoulders trying to relieve some of the tension that’s built up. Jared needs a moment to calm himself down, too. He’s raging inside and he doesn’t need Jensen to see that.
When Jared finally gets himself back under control, he puts one hand on Jensen’s chin and tilts his head up so they’re eye to eye. Jared looks at him with a soft smile on his face.
“I’m not him,” is all Jared says before leaning in to kiss Jensen again. And finally, FINALLY, Jensen kisses him back. It’s wonderful and glorious and all that other clichéd crap they say it is.
“You believe me now?” Jared asks as they eventually pull back.
“I don’t know,” Jensen says honestly.
“Don’t worry. I’ll make sure you do,” Jared promises.
And Jared always keeps his promises.
THE END
